in a calm bravery
persevering against all odds
we pick ourselves up and
laugh through bitter tears
I remember when scraped knees
would sting my demeanour
swearing off risk and telling myself that
pain wasn’t worth it
how many mountains have I climbed since
how many knees, scraped
in the valiant effort
to fail and fail and fail
until I didn’t
the days get warmer
and I swear I’m getting softer
I think of teenage times when
everything felt monumental
every moment mattered
I would wear my favourite cardigan
the one with tiny pockets
and I’d walk to school, wondering how
time passed between one and the next
lately I’m watching entire seasons pass
from my patio window
I wish so deeply to
go back to when the world was small
and everything was significant
I could live in that naivety
just a little bit longer
there are so many moments in any given day
that are worth remembering
to one day reminisce about
I keep having to remind myself that
life really is just a string of moments
and whether or not I remember them all
isn’t the point
maybe we’re meant to forget the small things
that come and go every day
maybe they’re placeholders
fill in the blanks for
all the big stuff coming our way
that we haven’t envisioned yet
rain dances
sun radiates
waves crash
a world of endless movement
what does that freedom taste like
a fruit just out of reach
an apple, unpluckable
do I have to be taller to reach it
or is it simply not mine to have
I remind myself of all the times I swore
I couldn’t do it
when I was ready to give in
the fear too palpable to swallow
I think of those moments
life-changing decisions I couldn’t see myself
seeing through
and think of who I am today
the antithesis of that fear
the phoenix from that rubble
I take those ashes and scatter them
like confetti
I once used to choose between essentials
to save on the costs I’d accrue
so frugal in my pursuit of protecting
my coin purse
that fallen sparrow
that delicate insecurity
of knowing what I needed and yet
simply could not afford
I remind myself to be thankful
to be in a position of privilege
to have the power to pay for
the things I deserve
because of what I’ve built
because of everything I’ve achieved
because of the person I’ve grown to become
all those years ago
snow falls and time passes
the sun stays
a little longer than the night before
and yet I still go to bed cold
the times we take warmth for granted
the way heat stuck to you like a tattoo
cement sidewalks emitting a fever on your feet
if there was a way to feel warmer on any given day
no matter the weather
if I could bottle up bike rides and orange sunrises
strawberries ripe on the kitchen counter
a perfume I wish I could buy
I wonder if my past selves
could guess where I’d be today
through phases and teething pains
I’ve grown into a full-fledged person
that (I hope) can make my parents proud
to make their sacrifice worth it
there once were dreams I swore I’d dreamt
believing I could be someone worth the pride
I keep giving to other people
the world keeps spinning and I keep going
and I just hope that’s enough
I hope my past selves are cheering
neatly, row by row
we expect things to go, just so
an exact science
a perfect, synchronous dance
I’ve never quite felt that
things went according to plan
my to do list, neatly ticked
instead it was more like
ingredients poured into a bowl
mixed until it’s all
one and the same
at the end of the day, you end up with a cake
and it’s delicious and warm and colourful
who cares what it looked like to get here
if you already earned your slice
it snows every day you’re not around
I drive around memories of you
a cul-de-sac collection
the finest rose-coloured moments
when you always said the right thing
and everything else
every misstep or argument
swiftly forgotten
how often do we put people on pedestals
imaginations of the faces we project
the faces we wish we were
elleguyence 