185

sometimes, my ambition runs hot
wavering like summer heat
stifling and overwhelming and
exhausting

there are days like today
when I’m braver than my own good
and I imagine this insurmountable wave
a tidal collapsing, rushing the shore
and I can’t see the other side

a pathway I can’t see yet
and it feels big and it feels scary
and I don’t know if I’m meant to make it
this is the part where I tell you
I’ll do my best
and that no matter what, everything will be fine

but lately I’m fantasizing that tidal wave
and how refreshing it will be
when it crashes over me

184

the days get warmer
and I swear I’m getting softer
I think of teenage times when
everything felt monumental
every moment mattered

I would wear my favourite cardigan
the one with tiny pockets
and I’d walk to school, wondering how
time passed between one and the next

lately I’m watching entire seasons pass
from my patio window
I wish so deeply to
go back to when the world was small
and everything was significant
I could live in that naivety
just a little bit longer

183

there are so many moments in any given day
that are worth remembering
to one day reminisce about

I keep having to remind myself that
life really is just a string of moments
and whether or not I remember them all
isn’t the point

maybe we’re meant to forget the small things
that come and go every day
maybe they’re placeholders
fill in the blanks for
all the big stuff coming our way
that we haven’t envisioned yet

182

rain dances
sun radiates
waves crash
a world of endless movement
what does that freedom taste like

a fruit just out of reach
an apple, unpluckable
do I have to be taller to reach it
or is it simply not mine to have

181

some days I feel like rain
when it pours like a weight
I’m asking others to carry

some days I feel like snow
falling, slowly
landing wherever feels right
at the time

some days I feel like sunshine
warm and light and full of life
eager to share it with everyone I meet

and some days I feel like dew
drops on a blade of grass
starting fresh, starting anew
no matter what happened yesterday

179

I remind myself of all the times I swore
I couldn’t do it
when I was ready to give in
the fear too palpable to swallow

I think of those moments
life-changing decisions I couldn’t see myself
seeing through
and think of who I am today

the antithesis of that fear
the phoenix from that rubble
I take those ashes and scatter them
like confetti

178

I once used to choose between essentials
to save on the costs I’d accrue
so frugal in my pursuit of protecting
my coin purse

that fallen sparrow
that delicate insecurity
of knowing what I needed and yet
simply could not afford

I remind myself to be thankful
to be in a position of privilege
to have the power to pay for
the things I deserve
because of what I’ve built
because of everything I’ve achieved
because of the person I’ve grown to become
all those years ago

177

snow falls and time passes
the sun stays
a little longer than the night before
and yet I still go to bed cold

the times we take warmth for granted
the way heat stuck to you like a tattoo
cement sidewalks emitting a fever on your feet
if there was a way to feel warmer on any given day
no matter the weather
if I could bottle up bike rides and orange sunrises
strawberries ripe on the kitchen counter
a perfume I wish I could buy

176

I wonder if my past selves
could guess where I’d be today
through phases and teething pains
I’ve grown into a full-fledged person
that (I hope) can make my parents proud
to make their sacrifice worth it

there once were dreams I swore I’d dreamt
believing I could be someone worth the pride
I keep giving to other people

the world keeps spinning and I keep going
and I just hope that’s enough
I hope my past selves are cheering