the days get warmer
and I swear I’m getting softer
I think of teenage times when
everything felt monumental
every moment mattered
I would wear my favourite cardigan
the one with tiny pockets
and I’d walk to school, wondering how
time passed between one and the next
lately I’m watching entire seasons pass
from my patio window
I wish so deeply to
go back to when the world was small
and everything was significant
I could live in that naivety
just a little bit longer
how flowers bloom even when no one watches
how growth comes from deep within
whether there’s applause or not
are we culminations
of our past selves
cheering us on as we parade
into the ever unknown
or are we happy accidents
ending up where we’re meant to be
no matter where we land
space in your day
is carved from within you
woven into how you carry the weight
of every single day and the potential it possesses
because there really is no such thing
as the right time to do something
for there is only time, and
what we choose to do or not do with it
you always think that these
monumental occasions will weigh on you
this powerful compound of all your hard work
bringing you closer to this idealistic sense of self
the truth is that sometimes it comes and goes
in the middle of the night
and you don’t realize its there until
you’re sitting on your bed
realizing just how far you’ve come from the start
and that moment you once dreamt of
imagined it in the palm of your tiny hands
all those years ago
is here, right now
some nights when the cold wind calms
the cars stop honking
people kiss goodbye
I imagine all the ways
my dreams are just too full
aspirations just out of reach
maybe this wasn’t meant for me
perhaps I wasn’t cut from this cloth
the wheels screech
my mind goes silent
I wonder why it is
we stop when every light is green
enthusiastic approval
of even the tiniest of wins
what a delight it is
to be delighted
I’m always trying to best myself
to always grow and be better
I suppose I should also remember
that to best something is to
once have been the best
and maybe that miniature win
should be enough
how many days do I spend thinking
I’m doing the wrong thing
letting self doubt burn me alive
dousing this fire
why is it when we think of ourselves
we first think of what we are not
how radical would it be if I
kept the flame lit
and let nothing put it out
not even me?
I’ve spent childhood believing
that there’s this idyllic destination
where the people are kind
and the world doles out only
what you can handle
that there’s some supreme being
making decisions that are
what’s best for me
but I’m learning lately that
looking out for yourself
is the only guarantee that you’re cared for
that there are no other more capable hands
to manifest what the future holds for me
than mine.
this much I know is true
you can work hard for the dreams you’ve dreamt
buy fancy clothes, diamond necklaces
host wonderful dinner parties, RSVP only
and still go to bed alone.
if you spend every day in service of a goal
you decide to put nothing else first
find calm in quiet days
with people you love
doing nothing in particular
because remember come morning, even
the richest of the rich
in their lush coats and finest silks
have to change out of their clothes.
elleguyence 