92

There’s a carousel of people I know
nestled into my phone feed
that are having kids, buying homes
doing everything right and
looking good doing it

There are nights I stay up late
and imagine all the things I’ve done wrong
and how I could’ve grasped perfection
plucked it off the tree
if I had tried hard enough.

By morning, I’m forgiving myself
heading to the market and seeking
only the best fruit
I’m digging my fingernails into the flesh
making sure the peach is sweet
I’m poking and prodding and
making sure there’s not a single bruise
that I end up creating one anyway.

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87

spring cleaning
what am I meant to do
with all this love I have for you?
tucked away in scribbled journals
pressed old flowers
I know what clean looks like –
maybe that’s why
scrubbing you off my skin
feel so dirty.

This summer, I swear I’ll…

Dedicate time to be a better me!

As the weather gets warmer, I’m feeling productive. I’ve created a summer bucket list of things I’d like to accomplish by September to keep myself continuously improving, creating and being me, more often, and I wanted to share it with you all. Feel free to take it for your own!

  1. Write and compose a song (This one terrifies me because I know I can write lyrics but I’m not sure I can compose. Any advice, PLEASE sound off below!)
  2. Write for Medium
  3. Write for Globe and Mail
  4. Go swimming!
  5. Write for ten minutes about the Word Of The Day, everyday
  6. Buy a bike
  7. Go to two concerts
  8. Learn how to and bake macrons
  9. Go to Canada’s Wonderland (I haven’t been in years, and I LOVE roller coasters)
  10. Have three picnics (High Park, Toronto islands, Trinity Bellwoods)
  11. Go to a kickboxing class
  12. Save $4,000 (not including tuition)

aaron-burden-292599-unsplash.jpg

What are some things on your list? Do you have any advice for songwriting? Let me know in the comments below!

 

Love,
ELLE

79

of the love and lack thereof
I’ve cried over and ached upon
I can’t seem to will myself
to go back and wipe up those tears
erase those scars-in-the-making;
because everyday since,
poetry has melted off my skin
and onto pages and pages and pages.

 

 

A year and half since my launch on October 1, 2017, I hope you enjoy this refreshed look to the blog. I started this blog with no intention of where it is today–and I’m taking this 18-month mark to declare that it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Thank you for your support on this whirlwind.

Love,
ELLE

77

There is only the ocean;
waves, tide, surf
are simply parts
of the whole.

I used to build sandcastles
close enough to seashore
that they’d wash away, clean
before I got attached.

I manufactured moats
drawbridges and gates
spiral towers to hide treasures
keeping intruders at bay.

I never did need knights
as much as I told myself I did
I was a fine protector
a kind ruler over myself

but you were like gills
and I breathed new air
the salt of the sea
the grit of the sand

and I decided I’d move
my sandcastle away
from that rising tide
and invite you in, too.

72

Chandelier expectations:
dozens of bodies have
entered and left my life
and each of them, I think
takes a piece of me
on the way out.

I find myself diagnosing
symptoms they didn’t know
I felt inclined to cure.

I carve out my martyrdom
I settle at the top of my high horse
and resent their apathy when
they don’t want my
unsolicited service.

Imagine my surprise as I see their rejection
piling up, single use cutlery
my good intentions
(yet maligned purpose)
end up being wasteful
and wasted.

69

#HowHardDidAgingHitYou
I’m a child in that ‘before’ photo
coordinated outfits and
recess and
lunch money and
I was beautiful then, too.

How unfair it is
to yourself ten years ago, to
mock who you were
before you got here.

I didn’t need mascara or
twenty-two karat gold or
shellac nails or
expectations of beauty
when I was 14.

This isn’t fair to anyone
and especially to you;
punish and prize
in one photo collage
simply because time passed.

Aging doesn’t hit, it just happens.
I do not have the strength to
hit and criticize the old me
because, sometimes,
I wish I lived in ‘before’.

 

 

***
Truthfully, I did think about taking part in this viral challenge. It’s easy to jump on a bandwagon and take part in this immediate validation of how you perceive your worth today vs ten years ago.

For me, I knew that it wasn’t fair to me and what I’ve gone through since 2009. You would’ve seen a 14 year old child compared to a 24 year old adult. You wouldn’t have seen all the things that shaped me, not the summer bonfire memories, or late nights on the phone with friends, or winning awards and getting in the yearbook, or suffering through bulimia and self-loathing, or moving to the big city, or professional leaps in my career. The surface level difference would have done me a disservice. The last ten years of my life were worth more than two photos side-by-side.

What do you think of the Ten Year Challenge? I’m not judging if you did or didn’t do it, and I’d love to hear your perspectives in the comments below.

Love,
ELLE