185

sometimes, my ambition runs hot
wavering like summer heat
stifling and overwhelming and
exhausting

there are days like today
when I’m braver than my own good
and I imagine this insurmountable wave
a tidal collapsing, rushing the shore
and I can’t see the other side

a pathway I can’t see yet
and it feels big and it feels scary
and I don’t know if I’m meant to make it
this is the part where I tell you
I’ll do my best
and that no matter what, everything will be fine

but lately I’m fantasizing that tidal wave
and how refreshing it will be
when it crashes over me

184

the days get warmer
and I swear I’m getting softer
I think of teenage times when
everything felt monumental
every moment mattered

I would wear my favourite cardigan
the one with tiny pockets
and I’d walk to school, wondering how
time passed between one and the next

lately I’m watching entire seasons pass
from my patio window
I wish so deeply to
go back to when the world was small
and everything was significant
I could live in that naivety
just a little bit longer

183

there are so many moments in any given day
that are worth remembering
to one day reminisce about

I keep having to remind myself that
life really is just a string of moments
and whether or not I remember them all
isn’t the point

maybe we’re meant to forget the small things
that come and go every day
maybe they’re placeholders
fill in the blanks for
all the big stuff coming our way
that we haven’t envisioned yet

182

rain dances
sun radiates
waves crash
a world of endless movement
what does that freedom taste like

a fruit just out of reach
an apple, unpluckable
do I have to be taller to reach it
or is it simply not mine to have

181

some days I feel like rain
when it pours like a weight
I’m asking others to carry

some days I feel like snow
falling, slowly
landing wherever feels right
at the time

some days I feel like sunshine
warm and light and full of life
eager to share it with everyone I meet

and some days I feel like dew
drops on a blade of grass
starting fresh, starting anew
no matter what happened yesterday

179

I remind myself of all the times I swore
I couldn’t do it
when I was ready to give in
the fear too palpable to swallow

I think of those moments
life-changing decisions I couldn’t see myself
seeing through
and think of who I am today

the antithesis of that fear
the phoenix from that rubble
I take those ashes and scatter them
like confetti

177

snow falls and time passes
the sun stays
a little longer than the night before
and yet I still go to bed cold

the times we take warmth for granted
the way heat stuck to you like a tattoo
cement sidewalks emitting a fever on your feet
if there was a way to feel warmer on any given day
no matter the weather
if I could bottle up bike rides and orange sunrises
strawberries ripe on the kitchen counter
a perfume I wish I could buy

175

neatly, row by row
we expect things to go, just so
an exact science
a perfect, synchronous dance

I’ve never quite felt that
things went according to plan
my to do list, neatly ticked
instead it was more like
ingredients poured into a bowl
mixed until it’s all
one and the same

at the end of the day, you end up with a cake
and it’s delicious and warm and colourful
who cares what it looked like to get here
if you already earned your slice

174

it snows every day you’re not around
I drive around memories of you
a cul-de-sac collection
the finest rose-coloured moments

when you always said the right thing
and everything else
every misstep or argument
swiftly forgotten

how often do we put people on pedestals
imaginations of the faces we project
the faces we wish we were