12

Missed connection
two cups on the ends of the thinnest string
dial the tone, set the mood
the scent of pine tree sap
strong against my blue nose.

Cold colours control
evening’s fireplace warmth
we welcomed December
as kind as we could
but still we sit,
frozen.

Sometimes, I think
your scarf is wrapped too tight,
you need to let yourself breathe
more than you need to fear the cold
seeping into your duvet seams.

Please, come in
(you’ve been here before)
soggy toes versus
fireplace crackle

“Home has always been here,
as long as you are, too
you can always stay
I’ve always wanted you
(to stay)”

The coffee machine’s stubbornness
to not burn the coffee
just once, please
please, just once

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11

They leave and I love them, even still
my scaffolding collapses
rock to rubble
me, too weak
to carry this weight
my stride too short
my hopes too high.

I force people in, and
their splinters gnaw my lining;
my warm reception
for them to make themselves at home
has made me into a house.

These ghosts of mountains
I memorized landscapes
grooves, curves, dips
believing their permanence.

Dirty shoes
glass table
me, mud stomped
and only now as I widen my span
take the space I demand
pave my paths
I realize:
some people
will knock on this door
and ask to come in.

10

Pursuit of perfect
I didn’t always strive for
until I realized
I breed disappointment in myself
for not being enough
for me.

Black and white
every question has an answer
every achievement
has another, waiting
that I need to earn
and I will
(because I have to).

You’re a tsunami
blatantly blasé
of how my life is full of rulered lines
I’m a chart and you say you’re art
but you’re making a mess.

Aching for admiration
vying for validation
I’m exhausted from
mending myself.

Your life is malleable
and mine is solid concrete
I don’t trust your architecture
to hold me up;
so thank you for the offer,
but I have things to do.

 

This week, I did the Enneagram Personality Test and discovered I am Type Three: The Achiever.  If you’re interested in taking the test, you can find the one I did here under “Classical Enneagram Test.” What type are you? Do you agree? Leave a comment below!

8

I don’t know how
I want to love you:
like breath,
so integral to life
you forget I’m here?
Or like a warm winter jacket
you boast to everyone
and never regret the purchase?

Forever in my head
mulling the maze of
overbear versus undervalue
hurdles of head/heart.

I wrote this scene myself
envisioned our dialogue
and even now we’re still
only dress rehearsal.

Ideally, the noise tapers
room: illuminated
me: alleviated
until my dream drops
to the pit of my stomach.

Lump: rises
mouth: opens
“I want to love you,
but I don’t know how.”

 

Sleeping At Last – Neptune

7

In love like
warm blankets and cold coffee
forgotten like cares
we used to feel for others.

I thought before when my heart broke,
it shred;
but like a pet burrowing in its
hamster home
you’ve made a bed
and you’ve created softness there.

Now we have each other
to settle into
our own nook of the universe
a book to pick up on rainy days
spine worn from familiar hands.

What a kind love I have,
one that invites only lightness
enveloped in the promise of
later laundry,
responsibilities for another time.

What if we lay in bed long enough
laugh quieter
rustle blankets only a little;
would the world forget us?
Would we forget
it, too?

6

You are an anthology
of all the kindness
and all the sadness
you’ve ever felt.

Event invitations not addressed to your name;
Saturday cartoons, summer morning;
big laughs, behind your back;
dim lights, birthday candles (and counting)
amounting to the distinction between loved and lost
every year you’ve lived.

Be reminded that your life
is woven in plush light–
adoration of parents
who loved each other so much
they needed to diversify their affections
into you.

Your story began long before you were born
and I’m sorry we ran out of time.
Frantically grasping memories:
no matter how nimble my fingers are,
they can’t turn the clock’s hands
fast enough to bring you back.

Like your broken knuckle,
maybe our bones will reset in place one day.
Imperfectly,
with an ache always laced in-between, pulsing.

 

RIP:  10/30/2017

5

I always find myself
thinking of you
like finding my grade seven MP3 player
and realizing I still know some of the lyrics.

And I still remember the taste of your breath: smoke
and the pizza toppings you hated
and your nails, ridged from teeth
and I realized that we were filled with ‘ands’
how we have known and lost each other
time and time and time again.

You’re a light, flickering
I just couldn’t keep from going out.
How I thought keeping you alight
had kept me aligned
how vast your world seemed
and how its seams burst, filled
with all these lives that I’d never
fit into.

I was a comet in your atmosphere
colliding through your night
you just couldn’t commit to.

You’ll never be a soft place to put this down
but all I can think is:
if you’d just let me in,
if my heart lived in you,
I’d be home by now.